too stoned to talk

I never know how to break off conversations.

It isn't that I don't enjoy talking to people, I do! But the people that talk to me aren't so much people as they are firbys or talking baby-dolls that've been possessed by satan because they seem to go on and on regardless of whether or not I pulled the string in their backs.

The real problem is that the talking only needs to go on for so long. Sometimes I have maybe two things to say and that's it - time to cut off the life support to this vegetable of a discussion, it's gone on longer than was necessary. But no, they've got to watch the poor sonofabitch hang by the last threads of his life. If we'd have killed him off sooner we could say "ah... now that was a good conversation." Instead we're forced to watch him spontaneously bleed and shit himself, inevitably leaving us to say "god damn, what's the point of it all?"

But no, they always want more than my two immaculately phrased gems of sentences. It's the verbal equivalent to premature ejaculation. I'm all out and they're expecting more. So I've got to start making up things for their pleasure. That's why I'm a Biology major now.... it sounded good in complete shams of conversations.

See how dangerous this is? So be satisfied with a few mumbles out of me, or I may just end up committing myself to an expeditition to the center of the Earth led by exquisitely dressed Space-Nazis in jumpsuits.

But I know the problem won't end. I need to have a way out. So perhaps anytime I'm stuck talking to someone I'll cry "Oh no! The kidney stones are back!" and violently grab my crotch.

If they start asking questions I've only to say "can't you see I've got minerals tumbling out my urethra?" and hop away. But they won't ask questions, because nobody wants to be involved with kidney stones.

If I passed a stone, and hadn't been informed of this explanation, I'd probably think there were gnome parasites in me, mining away in some kinda salt mine.

People say kidney stone pain is like giving birth for men. Which isn't fair. Women get to bring life into the world, while men maybe add another pebble to their fish's aquarium. If rock is going to tear away the lining of your ureter, I think it would be nice if it was a diamond.