hyperactive

What is with all the goddam energy drinks nowadays? First it was just the Red Bull... then in the last year I've noticed Sobe's Adrenaline Rush, Sobe Nofear (with Creatine!), Full Throttle, Mountain Dew X, Vault, Rockstar, Monster, and some goofy Von Dutch thing.

What do people need all this energy for? I thought I understood the Von Dutch one, because Dutch people have to be ready to swim to Denmark at any moment. But it turns out Von Dutch is a clothing brand that decided the people sporting their threads need to be hopped on the vitamins.

People like to think that these energy packed beverages are going to turn them into superheros, but that doesn't happen.

"I just had two Full Throttles in ten minutes, and I think I can see the future. This is the shit Yoda was on."

Sadly, your idea of the energy drink's capabilities reaches far beyond its actual potential. When I drink one of these things I don't notice an energy boost powerful enough to facilitate my running a mile, punching people over the age of eight, or masturbating more than once. Instead, I just talk really fast about phenomenally boring shit. Yes, it basically turns me into a woman.

Am I right guys?! *High Five*

The reason I continue to try these bullshit beverages is probably the hardcore names. Adrenaline Rush! Rockstar! Monster! They could package grape kool-aid and call it "Crazy Sonofabitch Juice!" and I'd go for it. Because it's not like these products actually live up to their names.

Adrenaline Rush! it's like being chased by a delicious Puma.
No, I've been chased by Puma's and it's not even close. Chipmunk foaming at the mouth, maybe. Puma, no.

Rockstar encourages you to party like a Rockstar. Apparently this is the liquid equivalent of ecstasy and hookers.
No, even if I'm swigging a Rockstar, I'm still leather pants and a dozen love-children shy of being a rock and roller.

And Monster - it's what sustains Boogeyman - the tears of frightened children.
I haven't tried this one yet... it could be serious.


Even so, I think I'm going to stick with the tried and true method of energizing. No, not cocaine and twinkies.... coffee! If for no reason other than "wake up and smell the taurine" sounds fuckin stupid.