suits

Yesterday I was in a bathroom and there was a guy in a suit in there also. Once he gets done peeing, he just leaves. Doesn't flush the urinal, doesn't wash hands, just leaves.

I think if you're a guy in a suit, you've got a reputation to uphold. There's an image that you have live up to. And going around with penis on your hands does not correspond with this image.

C'mon people with suits, the world needs you, don't let us down.

"But Chris, I'm a person in a suit, what am I supposed to be doing?!?!"

*Slap* Calm down man! I can help!

First off, if you haven't already, put on leather gloves. Unless you are participating in an activity that requires fine manipulation of the fingers (unlikely, you've got poor people to do those things for you), your hands should be safe inside of the dead hide of a cow - pleather is unacceptable.

After relieving yourself, you should exclaim, with a certain air of satisfaction, "my, that was a fine bit of urine."

Next, you should promptly grip the flushing lever with confidence, and pull. Following a succesful flush, you should then throw away your gloves and replace them with new ones. If you're feeling whimsical, now is is a convenient time to challenge someone to a duel, since you'll be taking off your gloves anyway. As an added benefit, slapping an unsuspecting knave in the face with penis-y gloves is much more satisfying than doing so with clean, ordinarily gloves.

If you choose to bypass the duel, you should then begin combing your hair. Followed, of course, by combing your eyebrows. Do not neglect the eyebrows. A suited man with unruly brows is no better than a bedraggled homeless man shitting in public.

Finally, before departing the bathroom, you should smile into the mirror, whereupon a giant twinkle should eminate from your teeth. If you cannot achieve proper twinklage, it is good to point out to the other bathroom-goers, "my, did you see that blindingly bright twinkle? My teeth are like diamonds!" And they'll believe you, because you're in a god damned suit.