my accents are impeccable

I’m big in Austria. I suppose it all started with my guest starring role in that X-Files episode... I was the “freak” of the episode, a guy who could, through the power of his mind, compel others to do the jitterbug. The climax of the episode came as I shouted “Dance Mulder! Dance you sullen sonofabitch!” And as my character was shouting in glee, the intrepid FBI agent managed to make the dance his own and turn it against me.

There was no stunt double or special effects... that bastard Duchovny insisted on using me as a dancefloor in a most savage manner. I think it was revenge for me sneaking into his trailer and stealing his jelly donuts.

A little advice to all you would-be actors out there... don't get between Duchovny and his jelly.

Anyhow, this episode sparked a cult following in Austria. “Dance you sullen sonofabitch!” became a catch-phrase, the jitterbug re-emerged as a national pastime... I was a hit. This of course propelled my subsequent tv-project, a cooking show called “Sausage and Wafers.” It bombed in the U.S. as censors deemed by near constant "manipulation of sausage in a sexually explicit manner" unsuitable for audiences ... but the Austrians know quality programming when they see it. There were only seven and two-thirds episodes made (I attempted to make explosive sausage, accidentally igniting the studio with only 1/3 of the show left to do), but you can always catch the reruns there; I’m the Lucille Ball of Austria.

With my fame firmly established in the fine land of Austria, I was clearly the go-to choice for the starring role in the upcoming Austrian film “Noodles and Poodles” - a true story about Austrian cultural hero Werner Von Glockspleffpht, famed Poodle groomer of the 1930's who died a tragic death.

After beef stroganoff (the noodles) had been dumped on him (a traditional Austrian practical joke) by his comrades, his poodles unfortunately mutilated him. There was a lot of dispute over casting an American to play such an important Austrian historical figure... some doubted my acting ability and claimed the studio was just trying to cash in on my "Sausage and Wafers" fame.

To the disappointment of many, the film was canceled. I'm not sure why... it could have been the recent decline in popularity of poodle grooming, the amount of controversy that now exists over "stroganoff-ing" (apparently its a problem for Austrian fraternities), but I suspect it was the work of Duchovny.